Since the weather outside is frightful, the wind howling and the snowing blowing all around trying to wear itself out, I've the perfect opportunity to work on our budget. I'm sitting in one room of the house, the bed covered in paperwork from the file cabinet and the heat cranked up. We've not only a coal-wood stove but baseboard electric heat that we can turn up in just one room or all the rooms upstairs.
And after working outside for a couple hours, my hind end froze, I just wanted to rest from busting through drifts to water stock and haul hay. You see since the ground is frozen solid, the moisture in the snow can't sink in and so the snow just piles up blowing around causing a loss in visibility and really slick roads. The one just outside of town going north and south is called the Miner's 500, in reference to the Indy 500 car race. No, that isn't the real name of the road just a nickname given to it by the Deputy Sheriffs department who patrols the race track. I'm mean highway. Not all of the danger is due to fast drivers as the weather really does a number on the roads around here. It's mainly due to our wind which blows you off the road, causes the snow to pile up, or it frosts the road with ice.
I've no desire to be outside trying to drive on slick roads, even though I've four wheel drive and a large pickup truck to buck snow drifts in. I'm just a chicken at heart. Don't believe that just because I purposely slid sideways into the parking space in front of our house that I'm a dare devil. The truth is I was going really slow at the time. So chores done for the day since I spent a couple hours out there and I'm only milking once a day to dry up Chicory I took a hot shower and cranked the heat up in one room.
The house is rather cold despite the fire roaring. Hard to keep a house warm when single Fahrenheits digits is all we have and the wind is howling sucking the warms from the walls of our home. So I decided I'd curl up on the bed and do paperwork. Something I've a ton of this time of year. And I've got to take advantage of the girls being with their mother today. That means I can spread paperwork all over the bed and no one but me will touch it.
I've just worked beyond the family business section but not to the knife business section. What's in between is the livestock file, the family health records, etc., and since I seldom take anything too seriously, I rediscovered this along with some interesting stories I've collected:
It is a several page listing of why the English language makes no sense, common sense that is.
Let me give you a few examples.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
And if you understood these same spelling of words that have completely different meanings, then perhaps you will understand this for it truly makes no sense.
- Why do we have noses that run and feet that smell?
- How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same thing?
- Why is it when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible.
- How is it that hamburger has no ham in it and neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- And why is it that sweetmeats are candies and sweetbreads aren't sweet, but are meat.
- How come quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is not from Guinea nor is it a pig?
And then of course there are the jokes.
How do crazy people go through he forest? They take the psycho path.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses
What do you get from a pampered cow? Come on Donna you should know this one. Spoiled milk.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Cindy you cook a lot what's the answer?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? This ones for your kids Our Crazy Farm. They have big fingers. Now don't tell me you didn't know this one. I've a five and a four year old grand daughter and we are at the height of the don't do that stage.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Come on small farm girl and Callie, you know this one. Right where you left him.
Didn't get that one. Well try this one. Why don't Blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.
And finally, How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? Some body's gonna lose a trailer.
Now admit it, one of these made you laugh. And tomorrow I promise to get off my lazy toosh and do something exciting but for now, just let me relax in this nice warm room shuffling paper work and chuckling at the bad jokes.