Blue Monday On Tuesday

There won't be much of a blog today since I'm having a blue day, normally what I have on Monday but Monday I had to go to town and so I had to postpone my blue Monday to Tuesday. Not making any sense? Well, I don't understand myself either but I do know that after the stress of Sundays where I have several responsibilities at church, it will be followed by a blue Monday. It's the sensory overload of just being around a crowd of people hence, lots of movement, sounds, and colors. My hypersensitive system goes into overload and begins to break down. You couple all this with the fact that I'm consciously overriding my autistic behavior with purposefully normal mannerisms and I'm exhausted physically and mentally on Mondays. Or rather today which is Tuesday, since I had to make a brief eighty mile trip to the next town on Monday.

That's why I usually blog on Tuesdays because Monday is my detox day. A down day where I'm depressed and don't accomplish very much. Sometimes, nothing. But on these quiet days where I do a little house work, sew or spin, read and just allow the stillness to calm my frayed nerves, then my soul is renewed so I can once again function for a short while in society. Without my down time, I begin to dislike everything and everyone. Intellectually, I know my mind is lying to me and it is just the rantings of an over wrought brain. None the less, these thoughts are still damaging. I don't speak when these thought pervade my mind for fear of saying something mean and I crave - and often do - curl up in a ball in the corner hiding from the pain the world unknowingly inflicts upon me.

Few people believe that I'm Autistic since I'm good at playing normal. My family knows otherwise. Though they don't ever see all I am for I hide as much as I can, even from them. After all, I figure they shouldn't have to suffer because of my autism - but they do. For there are days I can't make phone calls, and on a good day, I can handle only making a few. Some days I can't go out into public and sometimes I don't get things done because I'm too busy recovering from a sensory overload. Yet they love me despite my quirks and they tolerate the times I can't control my repetitive speaking or my fixations. Unlike most autistic people, my fixations keep changing. One week, it's what makes goat milk wonderful and the next it's what are the boy and girl part of a flower. Kirk personally prefers when I become fixation on food. Like the time I was determined to find four outstanding very different tasting cheese cake recipes.

I think that's why I love blogging. It gives a focus to my need for knowledge and motivates me to do things so I can blog about them. That helps stave off the depression as my attention is diverted. It also allows me to meet you. Your walks of life fascinate me. You lead lives I can not and it's fun to peek into your world and see what it is like. You also feed my need for knowledge. I really do love people and when I can meet one or two in a calm environment like around the livestock, it is a real treat to visit. So when you comment on my blogs, I love it. It gives me an opportunity to converse with you in a relaxed atmosphere.