Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Blue Monday On Tuesday

There won't be much of a blog today since I'm having a blue day, normally what I have on Monday but Monday I had to go to town and so I had to postpone my blue Monday to Tuesday. Not making any sense? Well, I don't understand myself either but I do know that after the stress of Sundays where I have several responsibilities at church, it will be followed by a blue Monday. It's the sensory overload of just being around a crowd of people hence, lots of movement, sounds, and colors. My hypersensitive system goes into overload and begins to break down. You couple all this with the fact that I'm consciously overriding my autistic behavior with purposefully normal mannerisms and I'm exhausted physically and mentally on Mondays. Or rather today which is Tuesday, since I had to make a brief eighty mile trip to the next town on Monday.

That's why I usually blog on Tuesdays because Monday is my detox day. A down day where I'm depressed and don't accomplish very much. Sometimes, nothing. But on these quiet days where I do a little house work, sew or spin, read and just allow the stillness to calm my frayed nerves, then my soul is renewed so I can once again function for a short while in society. Without my down time, I begin to dislike everything and everyone. Intellectually, I know my mind is lying to me and it is just the rantings of an over wrought brain. None the less, these thoughts are still damaging. I don't speak when these thought pervade my mind for fear of saying something mean and I crave - and often do - curl up in a ball in the corner hiding from the pain the world unknowingly inflicts upon me.

Few people believe that I'm Autistic since I'm good at playing normal. My family knows otherwise. Though they don't ever see all I am for I hide as much as I can, even from them. After all, I figure they shouldn't have to suffer because of my autism - but they do. For there are days I can't make phone calls, and on a good day, I can handle only making a few. Some days I can't go out into public and sometimes I don't get things done because I'm too busy recovering from a sensory overload. Yet they love me despite my quirks and they tolerate the times I can't control my repetitive speaking or my fixations. Unlike most autistic people, my fixations keep changing. One week, it's what makes goat milk wonderful and the next it's what are the boy and girl part of a flower. Kirk personally prefers when I become fixation on food. Like the time I was determined to find four outstanding very different tasting cheese cake recipes.

I think that's why I love blogging. It gives a focus to my need for knowledge and motivates me to do things so I can blog about them. That helps stave off the depression as my attention is diverted. It also allows me to meet you. Your walks of life fascinate me. You lead lives I can not and it's fun to peek into your world and see what it is like. You also feed my need for knowledge. I really do love people and when I can meet one or two in a calm environment like around the livestock, it is a real treat to visit. So when you comment on my blogs, I love it. It gives me an opportunity to converse with you in a relaxed atmosphere.


  1. Holly, I am sure I would love to meet you and your lovely goats...I have a thing for goats, everyones' but mine! They are pesky and want attention ALL the time, drives me wild. I think it's just the breed, Boers. I would rather have a Saanen, Swiss or Nubian again. Yep, tea and goats, sounds good to me. Hugs to you Holly, thanks for sharing. I think you're awesome. Elaine in Texas

  2. "Me and God love you!!!!"

    I wish I was closer and we could visit quietly and talk goats and cheese and butter and you could teach me to spin!

    I am getting very intolerable in crowds myself. I do understand.

    Big hugs,

  3. I just found your blog, and it is lovely to read. Your transparency in this post was touching. We all have our quirks no matter what, and it is a gift that others love us when we sometimes do not feel very loving. Keep writing and keep smiling, and be blessed as you bless us with your blog.

  4. Elaine,I have a 1/2 Boer, 1/2 Saanen cross named Pudge that is seven or eight years old, the height of a Saanen but built like a tank, and looks like she's carrying triplets at all times. She was the result of my wanting to see what a Boer, Saanen cross would produce dairy wise. She is like her mother, a heavy milker, and since her mother died she has remained with us. Often I breed her back to a Boer buck as I haven't wanted to keep the offspring. She isn't noisy though. My Nubian, Chicory, on the other hand, when she arrived this spring drove me nuts with the demand for attention and her constant bawling. Leta and Pudge didn't like it either and all summer have broadsided her every time she started to bawl. That cured that. This last two weeks she has become as quiet as the Saanens. This year I'm thinking of breeding my girls with the intent of keeping a doeling.

  5. Rebecca, I've been spinning a lot the last couple days. The soothing feeling of the soft wool running through my fingers is calming. It would be delightful to share with you my love of spinning and we would of course talk goats, maybe even spin a little angora. I'm sure there is much you can teach me and it would be fun to get to know you.

  6. Welcome to my blog Laura. Writing about my emotions is something my oldest daughter has counseled that I need to do for my own good. So I plunged in with this blog. It was scary baring myself for I spend so much time giving the world a normal face. I did not know what kind of reaction I would receive. That you and others except and support me helps greatly. Thank you.

  7. Goats????? Goats?????!!!!!!! My oldest daughter (almost 30) and I used to have a dream that we would buy a big ol' farm somewhere and call it the "Three G's Farmstead" or some such silly name. She was going to raise goats, I was going to raise all kinds of exotic garlics and my husband was going to raise grapes and make wine.

    And on that segue, I thought I'd pop over here from our e-mail encounter and say HI!

    And may I add whole-heartedly de-tox sucks.

    Yes. I said it.

    I meant it.

    Are you doing IV de-tox. I really, really dislike it.

    And I hope your Blue Tuesday has morphed into a Wonderful Wednesday!

  8. No, when I had to have the lead and cadmium removed from my system it was through drugs taken at both ends. The south end was so that the drugs would be absorbs slowly so that the flushing of them also happened gradually. Their fear was destroying the kidneys for Cadmium does damage coming out also. I had breaks in between treatments. Cadmium is very dangerous even in low concentrations. Lead is stored in the bones and was it was no picnic getting it out either. My doctor consulted some renown experts in the field before proceeding with my treatment. We need to talk garlic sometime. I want to grow some.